Tag Archives: Love and Loss

by

Blinders and Binders

Used to be all that mattered to me was what you thought
Used to be what you thought was that I was everything you wanted, tho you knew I was exactly what you needed
Now I know you’re nothing of what I expected nor am I anything you can handle
You thought you could make me change my ways
I shone a light on thoughts and intentions of those who surrounded you till y’all parted ways
Funny how many I saw thru while you refused to make even so much as an attempt for me the same
In vain, so plain, you’d explain
How Everyday you suffered in pain
Silently I caressed every inch,
Trying my best to chase it all away
For some time, I know, you almost forgot that agony
How do I know? You used to wake up just happy
So happy and you used to just hold me
I felt so tiny and safe, like you wouldn’t believe
There was no place I wanted to be more
Then wrapped in my shield that forgot he was so sore, holding me “the way a man should”
Head on your chest, our legs intertwined
Looking back it’s so sad, all that was left behind
You made a point of celebrating me in so many ways
Even before that special day
One year later and you got up and walked away, okay if I’m being honest maybe it was me who stayed.
Whatever the case that was the first time I thought we might not be okay
You once went out of your way to make sure I was a part of everyday
Now you only seek to pull us apart in every way
You want to place blame?
Well hunny that’s a shame
Why don’t you go back to the beginning and try this again
You wonder where you lost me, it was when you stopped lookin
Lookin for or at me, when you started looking past and thru me
When you stopped listening for me it made it so impossible to hear me
Implausible, they say you fear me
Won’t let yourself get near me
Refusing to hear a sound, muzzled now
Like I’m 6′ under ground
You couldn’t hear me, even when I screamed
Blinders and binders they latch onto you
The earthly trail grounds you now
No air time, left me,
Hanging
Out to dry or just for dead?
Either way I ain’t waiting round to be found
I may have been lost this whole time, sadly tho I don’t believe you were ever even really there

by

Dive

When I think back to that look on your face, those tears in your eyes
They weren’t for my pain
I realize tho they may have been inspired by your sickness
That sickness is defined a lil differently between you and I tho
It’s one I often used to witness
When you bounced back and forth so freely
When you barely even tried to see me
I was just the side bitch then
Oh, how much has changed now?
No, really tho? How much has changed?
At least back then you openly refused to show affection
Love for me was never mentioned
That honestly hurt a whole lot less than months of make believe
At least back then I expected you to leave
I knew I had no chance at a happily ever after
Instead you lead me to living in Lala land awaiting that wedding band
No picket fence, no mini me’s, or mini you’s
I at least had sum tie to reality, I knew who was using who
It’s now a year and at least a lifetime later
I’d forgotten how much I had hated her
More importantly I’d imagine, how much you loved her
Never was I more than a lover
You were just so unsure what else to do without her

Lost


How easy I made it to let it all slip away
Into the deep, the darkness

Down below
All it cost was momentary affection, a wee bit of attention and on with the show
All this time I thought I saw your feelings for me grow
How could I have missed it?
How did I not know?
Just a place holder, space filler, warm blanket in the cold lonely world
Nuthin more than disposable, temporary, sumone for you to throw away,
Here I almost believed you meant to stay
That you may have actually loved me
Yet you act like these are words you’d never say
Should come as no surprise tho honestly considering our past
Now you’re gone, and so insanely fast
I think for a moment you even had yourself fooled
You almost believed your lies too
All this time we thought you were free
Still in a heartbeat you become her feed
The hunger that cannot be satisfied
The thirst that cannot be quenched
It’s as if everything we had died
All that time falls with the spin of a wrench
Knocked you back into blind stupidity
Tho that ain’t true either no matter how badly I’d like to believe
All I think of is that look in your eyes while you cried, still you chose to leave
You can’t tell me you didn’t consider it all in that brief moment
I watched you weigh it.
Twice you asked me to kiss you and told me for the first time in a long time that you loved me knowing it was a lie
The moment you left I broke down sadly I knew you won’t be missing me
I was a complete mess
I already knew right then where you stood and didn’t care to know the rest
I knew deep down where you were about to go
Even the lies you’d use when you came home to put on a show.
You act like you think I’m stupid when I know you know I’m far from
Often it bothers you how smart I can be
Yet you don’t believe I will see?
Don’t do this
It ain’t fair
I won’t do this
You’re not there
Don’t do this

You don’t care
I won’t do this


“Only one” the song you sent me by mistake
The last time I decided there was no more I could take
The day you walked away from recovery, the same day you robotically rejected me
That’s the song you choose to get thru
Like Idk who you’re thinking about every time it plays
Like I don’t see that blank look on your face that fake smile that just stays stuck and empty
Do you have no empathy?
Do you even have a soul?
How can you drag me around thru all this shit just to ditch?
Fuck you for mistreating me
Fuck you for misleading me
Fuck you’re going to miss me
This time I’m done
See I can’t fake for another second that I’m ok with being entirely in love with someone who’s never really even seen me
You’re living life now trapped in that robotic shell of a man
The man who left that message that day somehow managed to evolve
Into an almost functional human
Tho he’s no where near humane
The fact that I’m still thinking about you at all is so fucking insane
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think it would end this way
Guess I was hoping that your heart would eventually see the truth and you could beat it
Sorry not sorry, I gotta leave it